Emily: February 2006

The "Hard Things in Soft Things" Manifesto

Adapted from Cardhouse

I have a series of stringent rules involving the material composition of cakes, candies, and other dessert items. In the past, I have relied on a general rule, "No Hard Things In Soft Things," but it has come to my attention that there are exceptions. In an effort to quell public fear of the unknown, I am sharing the list with you, my friends. There are swear words in the manifesto, because of how important this is.

1) No Nuts In Cake. This is a simple rule, and is unbreakable. There is no present need for nuts in cake, and the taste sensation of biting into something hard while enjoying the smoothness of something velvety soft is something that everyone should be able to avoid with a minimum of fuss and outrage. There are cakes that have whole nuts in them, cakes that have broken nuts in them, and cakes that have ground nuts in them. These are all illegal cakes.

2) No Nuts On Cake. Again, the stress-resistance between the cake and the nuts is too great. There also is nothing visually pleasing about thinly-sliced almonds, for example; it appears as if someone has gone and dumped a crate of Lee Press-On Nails onto the top of the otherwise delicious confection. The usual configuration of nuts on cake consists of a thin layer of chopped nuts slathered on the side of the cake so it looks like gravel. This is easily scraped off onto the closest wall or dog.

3) No Nuts On Pie. I don't see this that much, but when I do, I take pause, gather my strength, and remove the offending nuts in question. Why, I ask an uncaring world. Why does everything have to have the goddamn nuts on?

4) No Nuts In Pie. Unlike nuts in cake, nuts in pie present a more complex dilemma. It is almost possible to remove all of the nuts in question in the first two categories of nuts-in-cake - the whole nuts, and the semi-nuts. But with pie, it is a different story. It's just not worth the effort. If there are nuts hiding in pie, you can bet I'll be somewhere else and I will leave no forwarding address for the odd pie chock full o' nuts.

5) No Nuts In Brownies. I cannot even begin to enumerate the experiences I've had encountering nuts in brownies. These are the nut-infested brownies that escape careful and prolonged visual inspection, usually with a layer of clear fluorescent-lit glass between my eyeballs and the object in question. I will always always follow up my examination with a question posed to the confectioner: "Are there nuts in the brownies?" I don't know why I bother, invariably the answer is "no" and invariably I've just purchased a fucking nut brownie. Now I'm starting to understand why people freak out over trivial things -- what you're seeing is a lifetime of disappointment and frustration finally breaking free and taking majestic flight.

6) No Nuts In Ice Cream. The ultimate soft confection, marred forevermore by the presence of nuts. It will not happen on my watch. It will not happen. Being resourceful, I can dig around the nuts like an inverse treasure hunt ("Rrrrrrrrra, seitam!") and be somewhat satisfied.

7) Nuts On Ice Cream - Okay, with restrictions. Here I am thinking of those nutty-buddy cones, with the sprinkling of ground cashews on top. Combined with the hard chocolate coating, the nuts please me. While on this topic, it seems important to mention that hard ice cream cones are okay. The ability to eat a food's own container trumps the hard-vs-soft problem by about fifty times, and the cone becomes softer, chronologically.

8) Yeah, nuts in cookies, another damned nut mystery to me. If you want nuts in anything, bring a small bag along with you and sprinkle 'em on, to avoid the heartbreaking scene of seeing yet another anti-nut coalition force troop member carefully picking apart his chocolaty chip cookie in a brave and yet neverending attempt to rout nuts and nut clusters from their fortified hiding encampments. Seriously, put the cookie in the microwave, and then jam your stupid nuts in.

9) Cereal is another food that seems to have been invaded by nuts. Wheat flakes, bits of fruit and almond slivers or walnut clusters or pecan chunks. Cereal should eventually end up slightly soggy in your milk. It should not end up as a bi-level conglomeration of slightly soggy stuff on top with hard nuts underneath. Fortunately, these types of cereals tend to be on the top shelves at your grocery store. So, if you're like me, your eyes need never see these offenses to nature if they never rise above the level of the Cocoa Puffs.

It's just that nuts are not a embellishment to anything else. They are a self-standing snack and should be left that way. It is not an advantage or plus to any dish to have to stop and chew up a hard, hidden intruder. I am still developing this list. There seems to be an infinite amount of foodstuffs to which one can add nuts.